About ten years ago, I led a team covering an enormous scope. We had three kids, four and under, while living abroad. And I had recently begun a graduate degree. It was a lot, but I could justify each one to myself.

But I felt the stress and would go for long walks to process and clear my head. On one of the walks, I had the thought, "If someone on my team was in the situation I was in, how would I coach them?" The answer was clear. I would encourage them to evaluate and find somewhere to cut back because they were overextended. It was the answer I knew but had been avoiding.

We don't see ourselves clearly, and thus we can make bad choices. It's easy to rationalize our own behavior, give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, ascribe negative observations to the environment. This dilemma is exaggerated for leaders.

This is a brief post for a brief exercise, but it's an exercise that can have a significant longstanding impact.

Ideally, you have someone ahead of you in their leadership journey to coach you and peers alongside you to reflect what they think. But the reality is, leaders don't always have this kind of community. So what can they do?

Here are three steps a leader can use to coach themself.

1. Write it out anonymously
2. Give "your friend" advice
3. Share for accountability

Write it out anonymously

What if you could anonymize your current situation to try and see it clearly? You can't entirely do this because you're the one leading the process, so you're in the know. But here's how it works.

Write down a factual account of the situation you find yourself in and want coaching for. Write it in the third person as if you were an outside observer. Do your best not to interpret but only state the facts. And I really mean write it down. The process of writing your situation in concrete terms helps cut through the chaos and clutter of everyday life.

Here is a worksheet, if you want a place to write out your situation and advice.

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Give "your friend" advice

Now imagine someone came to you and told you about their friend and asked for advice. You can even role play here, reading out what you just wrote down. Now consider what questions you would want to ask to understand better or uncover critical details.

Now think about what advice you might give someone asking for a friend. Write down this advice. This step is the one that requires the most disciplined to try and stay impartial, viewing the situation from an outside perspective. This process isn't complicated, but it involves self-control not to try and game the system.

It's easy to rationalize our own behavior, give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, ascribe negative observations to the environment.

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Share for accountability

So far, this whole process has been done on your own. Now it's time to invite someone else in. Share with them your written account and the advice you gave yourself. Allow them to provide feedback and insight.

Ask them to check in with you at a specific time to see if you've taken the advice you've given yourself. Often, just the act of telling someone else what you've decided is enough to motivate follow through. But knowing someone is going to check solidifies the follow-through.

This is a simple exercise but a powerful one because it can help you avoid a trap of self-deception and instead cultivate growth as a leader.

Want coaching from another perspective? Currently. I'm offering a handful of free coaching appointments each month.