Asking for a Friend

How to Coach Yourself

November 6, 2024
A person staring at their reflection

About ten years ago, I led a team covering an enormous scope. We had three kids, four and under, while living abroad. And I had recently begun a graduate degree. It was a lot, but I could justify each one to myself.

But I felt the stress and would go for long walks to process and clear my head. On one of the walks, I had the thought, "If someone on my team was in the situation I was in, how would I coach them?" The answer was clear. I would encourage them to evaluate and find somewhere to cut back because they were overextended. It was the answer I knew but had been avoiding.

We don't see ourselves clearly, and thus we can make bad choices. It's easy to rationalize our own behavior, give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, ascribe negative observations to the environment. This dilemma is exaggerated for leaders.

This is a brief post for a brief exercise, but it's an exercise that can have a significant longstanding impact.

Ideally, you have someone ahead of you in their leadership journey to coach you and peers alongside you to reflect what they think. But the reality is, leaders don't always have this kind of community. So what can they do?

Here are three steps a leader can use to coach themself.

  1. Write it out anonymously
  2. Give "your friend" advice
  3. Share for accountability
Start living intentionally

Write it out anonymously

What if you could anonymize your current situation to try and see it clearly? You can't entirely do this because you're the one leading the process, so you're in the know. But here's how it works.

Write down a factual account of the situation you find yourself in and want coaching for. Write it in the third person as if you were an outside observer. Do your best not to interpret but only state the facts. And I really mean write it down. The process of writing your situation in concrete terms helps cut through the chaos and clutter of everyday life.

Here is a worksheet, if you want a place to write out your situation and advice.

Give "your friend" advice

Now imagine someone came to you and told you about their friend and asked for advice. You can even role play here, reading out what you just wrote down. Now consider what questions you would want to ask to understand better or uncover critical details.

Now think about what advice you might give someone asking for a friend. Write down this advice. This step is the one that requires the most disciplined to try and stay impartial, viewing the situation from an outside perspective. This process isn't complicated, but it involves self-control not to try and game the system.

It's easy to rationalize our own behavior, give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, ascribe negative observations to the environment.

Share for accountability

So far, this whole process has been done on your own. Now it's time to invite someone else in. Share with them your written account and the advice you gave yourself. Allow them to provide feedback and insight.

Ask them to check in with you at a specific time to see if you've taken the advice you've given yourself. Often, just the act of telling someone else what you've decided is enough to motivate follow through. But knowing someone is going to check solidifies the follow-through.

This is a simple exercise but a powerful one because it can help you avoid a trap of self-deception and instead cultivate growth as a leader.

You want your life to have meaning and impact.

What if your everyday work and life not only felt natural and intuitive but also aligned with your priorities and positively impacted those around you?

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Frequently Asked Questions

Team Leadership

What is team leadership?

Team leadership is a management approach focused on leading and guiding a group of individuals working together towards a common goal. A team leader is responsible for providing direction, support, and guidance to the team members, while fostering a positive and productive work environment.

Team leadership involves setting clear goals and expectations for the team, communicating effectively, and building trust and relationships with team members. It also involves empowering team members to take ownership of their work and contribute their unique skills and perspectives to the team's success.

Some key characteristics of effective team leadership include:

  1. Communication: Team leaders communicate clearly and effectively with their team members, keeping them informed about goals, expectations, and progress.
  2. Vision and strategy: Effective team leaders have a clear vision for what they want to achieve and a strategy for how to get there, while also being flexible and adaptable when necessary.
  3. Empowerment: Good team leaders empower their team members to make decisions and take ownership of their work, while also providing support and guidance as needed.
  4. Trust-building: Team leaders build trust and strong relationships with their team members, creating a positive and productive work environment.
  5. Results-oriented: Finally, effective team leaders are results-oriented, focusing on achieving goals and driving performance while also valuing the well-being and development of their team members.

Overall, team leadership is a collaborative and empowering approach to management that values communication, trust-building, and results-driven performance.

Learn more about leadership.

What are the different styles of team leadership?

There are several different styles of team leadership, including:

  1. Democratic leadership: In this style, the leader encourages open communication and participation from all team members in decision-making processes.
  2. Autocratic leadership: This style involves the leader making decisions and taking control over the team's direction, often with little input from team members.
  3. Transformational leadership: This style focuses on inspiring and motivating team members to achieve their full potential, often by setting a clear vision and communicating goals effectively.
  4. Servant leadership: A servant leader prioritizes the needs of their team members, focusing on serving and empowering them to achieve their goals.
  5. Laissez-faire leadership: In this style, the leader provides minimal guidance or direction, allowing team members to take ownership of their work and make decisions independently.
  6. Transactional leadership: This style involves setting clear goals and expectations for team members and providing rewards or discipline based on performance.
  7. Situational leadership: This approach involves adapting one's leadership style to fit the specific situation or needs of the team at any given time.

Overall, each style of team leadership has its own strengths and weaknesses, and effective leaders may use a combination of different styles depending on the situation and the needs of their team.

Learn more about leadership.

What are the different skills required for team leadership?

There are several key skills required for effective team leadership, including:

  1. Clear: Team leaders must be to communicate effectively with their team members, setting clear expectations and goals, providing feedback, and keeping everyone informed about progress and changes.
  2. Active listening: Leaders need to be able to listen actively to their team members, hear their concerns, ideas, and suggestions, and work collaboratively to find solutions.
  3. Empathy: Good team leaders value empathy, recognizing and understanding the perspectives of their team members, and working to build trust and strong relationships
  4. Decision-making: Leaders must be able to make informed decisions based on available information and input from team members, while also being decisive when necessary.
  5. Problem-solving: Effective team leaders must be able to identify and solve problems that arise within the team, working collaboratively to find creative and effective solutions.
  6. Motivation and empowerment: Leaders must be able to motivate and empower their team members to take ownership of their work, overcome challenges, and achieve their full potential.
  7. Delegation and management: Team leaders must be able to delegate tasks effectively, manage resources and timelines, and oversee the work of the team to ensure quality and efficiency.

Overall, effective team leadership requires a combination of interpersonal, decision-making, and management skills, as well as the ability to inspire and empower team members to work collaboratively towards shared goals.

Learn more about leadership.

What is servant leadership?

Servant leadership is a leadership philosophy and management style that emphasizes the importance of serving others first before considering one's own needs and desires. It's an approach to leadership that focuses on the well-being and growth of others, rather than solely on achieving organizational goals.

A servant leader prioritizes the needs of their followers or team members, providing them with support, guidance, and mentorship. They are committed to empowering their team members to reach their full potential and achieve their goals.

Some common characteristics of servant leaders include:

  1. Empathy: Servant leaders value empathy, placing themselves in the shoes of their followers to better understand their needs and motivations.
  2. Listening: They are active listeners, taking the time to listen to their followers' concerns, feedback, and ideas.
  3. Commitment to development: Servant leaders prioritize the growth and development of their followers, providing opportunities for learning and development.
  4. Humility: They recognize their own limitations and seek input from others to make informed decisions.
  5. Stewardship: Servant leaders view themselves as stewards of their organization, working to create a positive impact for all stakeholders.

Overall, servant leadership is about creating a supportive and empowering environment for others to thrive. By prioritizing the needs of their followers, a servant leader can inspire trust, loyalty, and commitment, ultimately leading to better outcomes for the organization as a whole.

Learn more about how to cultivate servant leadership.

Servant Leadership

What is servant leadership?

Servant leadership is a leadership philosophy and management style that emphasizes the importance of serving others first before considering one's own needs and desires. It's an approach to leadership that focuses on the well-being and growth of others, rather than solely on achieving organizational goals.

A servant leader prioritizes the needs of their followers or team members, providing them with support, guidance, and mentorship. They are committed to empowering their team members to reach their full potential and achieve their goals.

Some common characteristics of servant leaders include:

  1. Empathy: Servant leaders value empathy, placing themselves in the shoes of their followers to better understand their needs and motivations.
  2. Listening: They are active listeners, taking the time to listen to their followers' concerns, feedback, and ideas.
  3. Commitment to development: Servant leaders prioritize the growth and development of their followers, providing opportunities for learning and development.
  4. Humility: They recognize their own limitations and seek input from others to make informed decisions.
  5. Stewardship: Servant leaders view themselves as stewards of their organization, working to create a positive impact for all stakeholders.

Overall, servant leadership is about creating a supportive and empowering environment for others to thrive. By prioritizing the needs of their followers, a servant leader can inspire trust, loyalty, and commitment, ultimately leading to better outcomes for the organization as a whole.

Learn more about how to cultivate servant leadership.

How can servant leadership be beneficial in the workplace?

Servant leadership can be beneficial in the workplace in a number of ways, including:

  1. Improved employee engagement and job satisfaction: When employees feel supported, valued, and empowered by their leaders, they tend to be more engaged and satisfied with their work.
  2. Increased collaboration and teamwork: Servant leaders prioritize communication, collaboration, and trust-building, which can lead to stronger relationships and more effective teamwork.
  3. Higher levels of productivity and innovation: When leaders empower their team members to take ownership of their work and contribute their ideas, it can lead to higher levels of productivity and innovation.
  4. Reduced turnover and absenteeism: Employees who feel supported and valued are less likely to leave their jobs or call in sick, leading to reduced turnover and absenteeism rates.
  5. Improved organizational culture: Servant leadership can create a positive organizational culture that values growth, development, and well-being for all stakeholders, which can lead to improved morale and outcomes.

Overall, servant leadership can lead to a more positive, productive, and fulfilling workplace environment, benefiting both employees and the organization as a whole.

Learn more about how to cultivate servant leadership.

How does servant leadership differ from other leadership styles?

Servant leadership differs from many other leadership styles in several key ways:

  1. Focus on serving others: Servant leaders prioritize the needs and well-being of their followers over their own interests, while many other leadership styles focus more on achieving organizational goals.
  2. Empathy and listening skills: Servant leaders value empathy and active listening skills to better understand the needs and perspectives of their followers, while some other leadership styles may be more focused on asserting authority or making decisions without input from others.
  3. Collaboration and teamwork: Servant leaders prioritize collaboration and teamwork, seeking to empower and develop their followers to achieve their full potential, while other leadership styles may be more focused on competition or individual achievement.
  4. Humility and accountability: Servant leaders view themselves as stewards of their organization, prioritizing the well-being of all stakeholders and taking responsibility for their decisions, while some other leadership styles may be more focused on personal ambition or avoiding blame.

Overall, servant leadership is characterized by a focus on serving others, prioritizing empathy and collaboration, and taking a humble and accountable approach to leadership. While other leadership styles may be effective in different contexts, servant leadership can be a powerful tool for creating positive change and empowering others to reach their full potential.

Learn more about how to cultivate servant leadership.

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